Face Off/Transcript
Hank Yarbo: Nice stop, buddy. Brent Leroy: Well, I am master of the ass save. Hank: Okay, look sharp. Practice up for the new season. Brent: Ow! Those are rocks, ya tool. Hank: All right. Here, we'll use this. You're not too sensitive for a juice box, are ya? Brent: I don't know. Straw's still in it. That could puncture my windpipe. Hank: Wimp. Here we go. I'll make you look silly. Brent: Oh-ho-ho! Hank: Lucky save. Come on, get back in your crease. Get in the crease! Brent: I started in my crease! Hank: In your crease! Brent: Geez! You're in my... Hank: Car! Brent: Oh, gas, right. Wanda Dollard: Gas pumped by number 01, Brent Leroy. Brent: Am I to assume you're going to be announcing at hockey again this year? Wanda: Time, 11:31. Brent: Excellent. I love the way you call games. What is it you call a goal again? Wanda: Twine tickler. Brent: Ah, offside? Wanda: Premature. Brent: Somebody elbows somebody in the mouth? Wanda: Bender in the beer hole. Brent: I make a huge save? Wanda: That's never come up. Lacey Burrows: Hey, Hank. Hank: Hey. Chocolate milk, to go, please. Lacey: What, no coffee? Hank: No. Gotta bulk up for the first game. Hockey season starts this week. Lacey: We have a team? Hank: Yeah. Lacey: Wow. What's it called? Hank: Riverdogs. Lacey: Ah. The Dog River Riverdogs. You know, you guys are allowed to use other letters in the alphabet. What is a riverdog, anyway? Hank: I don't know. It just sounds cool. I mean, who knows what a bruin is? It's just a word, it doesn't mean anything. Lacey: Bruin means bear. Hank: Yeah, right. Boston bears. Nice try. Lacey: Yeah. Hank: Hey, hey, Brent. Brent: Hi. Hank: Better get some lotion for the back of your neck. Brent: Keep walkin'. Lacey: What do you need lotion for? Brent: Oh, that was just Hank was being hilarious. Lacey: Oh. Brent: You see, I play goalie for the Riverdogs. So the joke is I let in so many goals that my neck gets sunburned from the red light going on. Lacey: Oh well, so you're not the world's greatest goalie, eh? Rocket Ronnie: Nope, he ain't. But he is the best damn goalie In the entire Pickerel Valley hockey league. The Riverdogs would be an embarrassment every year if it weren't for this broad bugger. Brent: That was almost a compliment, kind of, in a way. Lacey: I thought you said you were a lousy goalie. Brent: No, I said I let in a lot of goals, mainly because I get about 110 shots a game. Lacey: Wow, no neutral zone trap for you guys, huh? Brent: Well, our defensemen can't skate backwards. That's the crux of it. So what brings you around here? Ronnie: I'm here to see you, actually. But I'm glad I saw you. I'm Ronnie. Call me Rocket. Lacey: I'm Lacey. You can call me that. Brent: Ronnie here, plays for Stonewood. Lacey: Oh yeah? What do they call their team, the Woodstones? Ronnie: No. The Saints. Lacey: So what's your story, Rocket? Brent: Rocket Ronnie Raymore, born and raised in Stonewood, Saskatchewan, where he grew up to become the type of guy who gives himself a nickname. Ronnie: I didn't give myself the nickname. Lacey: That's okay. I used to call myself Xanadu. It's a good movie. Ronnie: I came here to see if you would be interested In switching sweaters. Brent: But you wear like, a medium. Ronnie: Hockey sweater, smart guy. I'm here to see if you want to play goal for the Saints. Brent: What? Leave the Riverdogs? Are you out of your mind? This town is my life! I'm a dog through to the core. What makes you think... Ronnie: Unlimited bar tab. Brent: I'm listening. Emma Leroy: Oh! Oh! Did you turn it off? Oscar Leroy: Yes, I turned it off. Emma: I think it's having a seizure. Oscar: It's fine. The carb's suckin' on the fuel pump for a bit, that's all. Emma: I feel like we should shoot it. Oscar: I'll remember that the next time you start coughing. Emma: If I ever make sounds like this, I'll welcome the bullet. Oscar: Ha ha! Ronnie: And Ferlin Tire is one of our sponsors. You play goal for us and get boots for your car. Brent: Sweet. Still, though. Ronnie: I'm sure you wouldn't mind playing in top of the line brand new equipment. I mean after all, aren't you the kid that had to play with the wooden goalie pads? Brent: No. Oscar: Where's Brent? Emma: Do you have any fresh bread? Oscar: Who's minding the pumps? Wanda: At the Ruby. Not until 2:00. And no one at the moment. Oscar: He just leaves the pumps? Somebody could rob the place blind. They could steal a squeegee. Wanda: They're rigged with explosives. Emma: Maybe while we're here we should have Brent look at the car. Oscar: Why? What's wrong with the car? Emma: Oh! Oscar: What? Brent: I don't know, Ronnie. I'm flattered and everything, but I have to decline the offer. Hank: Hey, ya five-hole. What's this jerk doin' here? Brent: Ronnie, here, asked me to play for the Saints. Hank: What? You got a lotta nerve, buddy. I hope you told him to go hump a stump. Brent: Better. I told him I declined the offer. He had no comeback. Ronnie: Hey, no skin off my nose. But if you were to play for us, you wouldn't have to put up with the humiliation of me scoring on you every game. Brent: Not every game. This never happened. Ronnie: Speaking metaphorically. Hank: Yeah? Well, why don't you speak leave-aphorically? Brent: Scram-aphorically. Hank: Pissoff-aphorically. Ronnie: What are you guys, like seven? Brent and Hank: "What are you guys, like seven?" Brent: Burn. Hank: Oh, yeah. Davis Quinton: Hey, Oscar. Car trouble? Oscar: It's fine. Karen Pelly: Why is the hood up? Shade? Oscar: Emma's after me to fix it, so I'm out here to shut her up. If I keep the hood is up, she can't see me from the house. Emma: Yeah, a real super spy. Davis: Uh, I came to use your skate sharpener. Oscar: Getting ready for the season opener, eh? Geez, I can't wait. Davis: I heard we almost lost Brent. Oscar: What do you mean? Davis: The Stonewood Saints asked him to play for their team. Oscar: They what? Sons of...how would they like it if we went there and burnt down their rink? Karen: That genuinely seems like an appropriate response to you? Brent: Heya. Lacey: Oh, hey. The team meeting started without ya. Brent: Some brilliant strategizing going on, no doubt? Lacey: You missed the ten minute argument about how much a puck weighs. Davis: Let's review Brent's compensation package. Hank: We got these coupons and, uh, this here card's good for a free sandwich. Well, two more stamps it's good for a free sandwich. Davis: And this. Hank: What the hell's that? Davis: Police line do not cross tape. It's got a million uses. Brent: Hey, guys. What's all this junk? Hank: Think of it as, uh, your signing bonus. Brent: Wow. Coupons and tape? If salaries keep skyrocketing like this, Dog River could lose the franchise. Hank: Look, guys, we need to formulate a plan for the opener against the Saints. Brent: In lieu of actual practice. Hank: Practicing is good in theory. In reality it tires us out. The important thing is morale. You're morale, Brent. Davis: You scared us when you thought about leaving the team. Brent: Well it is kinda tempting to be on the same team as Ronnie. He's the only guy who ever scores on me. Lacey: You can't blame Brent. Sounds like you guys are taking him for granted. Brent: No, no, no, Lacey. Lacey: By all accounts he's one hell of a goalie. Brent: It, it's fine, really. Lacey: Yeah but you tell him to lotion up his neck, you call him five-hole. Brent: Wanda says I never make any big saves. Hank: All right. Brent, you're a great goalie and we need you between the pipes. Davis: Yeah. Brent: Well if you guys really want to do something for me, don't give up so many shots on net. Lacey: Why do you guys give up so many shots? Brent: Well, we turn the puck over a lot at the blue line. Lacey: So they're probably bringing forwards hard on the forecheck, pressuring your D into bad passes out of the zone, huh? Hank: Probably. Sure, that sounds like it. Davis: Yeah, I think that's what they're doin'. Lacey: Oh well, that's something your coach would pick up on. Brent: That brings us to new business. We should really think about getting a coach. A lot of teams have them, even in the N.H.L. Lacey: You guys! I know hockey. I could coach. Think about it. You'll get back to me. Emma: Did you get the car fixed? Oscar: Uh, yeah. It was a air pocket in the flex inhibitor. Emma: Flex inhibitor? Oscar: It's right between the, um, hemi quads. Hank: What does bruin mean? Brent: It means boiling slowly or simmering at a low temperature. Hank: No, no, no. Bruin, B-R-U-I-N. Brent: Oh. That's just a fancy way of saying ursus. Hank: Ursus? Lacey: Hiya, guys. So, did you think it over? Oh, come on. You don't have a coach, you need a coach, I can coach. Hank: Look, Lacey, uh, no offence, but I talked to some of the guys about it and, well, we're just not too keen on the idea. Oh, and by the way, bruin, it doesn't bear, it means ursus. Lacey: Why are the guys so against me being the coach? Brent: Well, I'm not sure. Let's ask your penis. Excuse me, Lacey's penis...what the? You don't have one. Lacey: Oh you can't be serious. Brent: I'm serious. I didn't see one. Lacey: They don't want me to coach because I'm a woman? Oh come one, doesn't that strike you as being a little bit sexist? Brent: Well, not so much sexist as just...oh, yeah, sexist is right, yeah. Lacey: Ah, this is ridiculous. I mean is this ok? You and I walking out in public without being married? I'm not gonna get arrested for wearing pants am I? Brent: I doubt it. Lacey: Brent, I know more about hockey than anybody in this town. But you guys are saying no women allowed? Brent: Hang on. Nobody's saying no women allowed. What they're saying is, there's never been women before. The idea of a woman coach is new to these guys. Therefore it's, uh, weirdness newness. They're just frightened and confused by the weird newness. Lacey: Oh, the weird newness. Okay. Brent: People around here wrankle at things that are different. Lacey: They're wranklin' at the weird newness. Brent: Just give them time. Ease them into it. Lacey: Like a frog. Brent: Like a frog. I don't know what that means. Lacey: They say if you put a frog in boiling water, it'll die, right? But if you put a frog into tepid water and you slowly raise the temperature degree by degree, the water can boil and the frog won't die. Brent: I think I'll skip the soup of the day tomorrow. Oscar: Come on, woman. We're gonna miss the opening faceoff. Emma: I had to get my cushion. Those cold seats give me the frosty piles. If we get in this car and it doesn't start, I swear, by all that's holy, I'll throttle you with an extension cord. Oscar: Done. But if it does start, you have to shut up about it. Emma: Done. You're my hero. Let's just go. We're gonna be late. Oscar: Oh, that's right. It's almost shut up o'clock. Hank: Huge crowd out there, boys. Brent: What do ya figure? Hank: It's gotta be close to 50. Davis: Let's not disappoint them, boys. I hate losing to this team! Actually, I hate losing in general, but, especially to this team! Brent: And you guys stay on that Rocket Ronnie. Jeez, I hate getting deked out by that guy. I hate getting deked. It's like being tricked. He says "I'm going to go left," then he goes right. And he scores and he's some kind of hero and I'm a gullible jackass. So, stay on him, is all. Hank: Let's go, dogs! Davis: Hey, hey, dogs, dogs, dogs, dogs, dogs, dogs, dogs, dogs! Hank: Wanda's not gonna play that "Who Let the Dogs Out" song again this year, is she? Brent: Don't worry, I made her promise to get a different dog song. Wanda: And here come our Riverdogs! Brent: Well, that backfired. Oscar: Don't forget your cushion. Emma: Got it. You have your loud clapping gloves? Emma and Oscar: Go Riverdogs! Emma: The electric lock must be on! Oscar: Go on, open! It's the first game of the season. What are you looking for? Emma: An extension cord. Wanda: Saints gain the zone. Here's the shot. Big-time save! Pass across the crease. Denied! Ooh! Ouch! Hank Yarbo gets his ribs rattled. He looks a little woozy, reminiscent of the time he was kicked by a donkey. Lacey: Hey, I'll get it. There ya go. Hey, don't mind me. I'll be your door girl, person, door person. Wanda: Oooh! A big hit! He'll be picking paint out of his pants for a week. Saints come in on a 2 and O. He strikes again! Rebound. Wanda: Dammit! I mean, he scores. Emma: Are you pushing the down button? Oscar: No, I'm adjusting the rear view mirror. Of course I'm pushing the down button. Okay, now I'm pushing the down button. Karen: What are you doin' out here? Oh! I'm, I'm sorry. I'll leave you guys alone. Emma: No! We're stuck, Karen. We can't open the door. Karen: Okay, cover your face. I'm gonna smash the window. Emma and Oscar: No! Emma: We're not suffocating. We're stuck. Go find something to jimmy the lock. Karen: Okay. Wanda: Early into the second period and it's all Saints so far. The dogs are playing like my grandma, only less physical. Oscar: I didn't even think of suffocating, until you mentioned it. Emma: The car's not airtight, it's barely rain tight. Oscar: Where the hell's Karen? Davis: Good hustle out there, boys! Good hustle. Anyone seen my pancreas? Hank: Come on, we're only down a goal, boys! We can do this! Brent: Yeah, we got a goal last season. Lacey: Here ya go, Hank. Hank: Thanks. Nice job. Lacey: Ah, no problem. Hope you get a goal with it. You know, perhaps from the top of the hashmarks when their defenseman covers our centre. You know, or however it plays out. Emma: Oscar! Oscar: I did not! You did. Brent: Let's go, Billy. Play sharp, Lloyd. Lookin' good, Davis. Lose the smoke, Frank. Wanda: It's a barn burner, folks. Minutes to go and our boys are only down by one. Anything could happen. Hey! Remember the goal we got last year. Lacey: Okay, short shifts, keep the legs fresh. Karen: Couldn't find anything to use on the locks. Emma: Look under the hood. There might be a block in the flex inhibitor. Lacey: Time out, time out! Wanda: Hey, everyone, our team's got a coach! Lacey: OK, time's ticking. We need to gain their zone quick. Nothing goes up the middle. Davis, chip the puck up the boards to centre, Hank drill it in. Wingers, get on your horses and drive it hard to the corner. D, get up into the play, get some traffic in front of the net. Pass it into the crease, and then everybody get lumber on it. Okay? Who knows, we might get lucky and tip one home. Go! Who's your mommy?! Karen: One of the cables on your battery is jarred loose. Is that the thing you hit with the hammer? Wanda: Puck gets centred. There's a scramble. Yes! The dogs score! Holy shit! Oh, sorry, wrong button. Lacey: Whoo-Hoo! Okay, hustle up, hustle up! Hank: Whoooo! Lacey: Good work, guys. We don't have another time out, so I'm gonna have to be quick. But do you see what coaching can do, with the right person, with the right perspective on the game... Hank: You gotta be quick, right? Lacey: Right, okay. We've got less than a minute. They'll try and get the puck to that Rocket guy. If Ronnie gets a breakaway... Hank: We'll stop him! Lacey: If he gets a breakaway, Brent, cheat to your right, you'll force him to go left to use his backhand. He's got a weak backhand, he'll never get it over your glove. Go! Brent: All right! Nice D. Wanda: Yeah! Huge glove save! Huge! Yes! Oscar: What happened? Karen: The boys didn't lose! Emma: No, seriously, what happened? Lacey: Good work, boys! Whoo! Rocket Ronnie: Celebrating a bit much for a tie, aren't we, boys? Davis: You're just mad 'cause you didn't win. Hank: Yeah, ya poor tie-er. Brent: Sleep well knowing you don't suck any less than we do. Darren Dutchyshen: Hi, everybody. I'm Darren Dutchyshen With the Riverdogs' star goalie, Brent Leroy. And, Brent, that was a stunning victory. And by victory, I do mean moral victory, because it was actually a tie. Brent: Yeah, it was important we didn't lose this game. You set a goal and go for it. Darren Dutchyshen: You know, because of your miraculous save in the dying seconds of the game, you have been called up by the Vancouver Canucks. Brent: Is that right? Cool! Ah, hang on. This is just a dream, isn't it? Darren Dutchyshen: Yeah, pretty much. I don't normally cover senior rec games In the Pickerel Valley hockey league. Brent: Yeah, I thought that was strange. Darren Dutchyshen: You still want to do this? Brent: Sure. But, but hang on. Hi. Jennifer Hedger: How ya doin'? Category:Transcripts